Om Shanti

After a month of cleansing my psysical body, my mind, my soul, I have been thrown back into the same chaos that I left. It is now time to cleanse my house. I have taken the whole concept of "clearing out old stuff" to a whole new level I can tell you that. Looks like my pathway to riddng all materialism out of my life might actually happen one day. But not today or any day in the near future. Babysteps. Everything has it's time in space.

Since return have been an emotional rollercoaster. All the energies around are so different from the ashram and it all takes getting used to. Went to lunch with a friend when getting back and almost burst into tears when he asked how I was. Sobbing I responded "I so good, really happy". He looked confused. Don't think he'll be taking any more yogaclasses off me or what do you think?

Yesterday talked to Radha on phone. Missing her so much. I mean this girl made me laugh within two minutes of having her on the phone. Relieved to hear that self is not alone feeling totally lost and emotional in "new" world that has been confronted with. Anyway, Radha's project to do puzzle for a week and avoid human encounters sounds like a plan.

After travelling for over 24 hours I have arrived to a cold freezing and extremely snowy Sweden. No hot sun and sandy beaches to thrive in. No random chanting, apart from the one that I provide for myself, which I do enjoy but it's far less fun when doing it alone. No one but self to force self to do tapas . Did force self  not to buy vanilla milkshake and french fries at airport. Ended up starving as hell and stomach in cramps by time I was served lovely (as if) vegetarian meal on plane. But tapas is tapas (now for those of you thinking of Spanish tapas you are way off. The tapas I'm talking about are austerities and no where near what the Spanish refer to as tapas. Just for future reference). No Radha to make me laugh. No pranayama to make me cry. No late night chattering with amazing dormgirls (who also make me laugh). And no cute yoga guy to disturb my meditationroutine.

Before leaving was assigned spiritual name. And imagine that. Radha!!! Krishnas oh so dear and beloved Radha. So Radha and Radha spent the last days in ashram as true sisters sharing devotion and love for their man (Gopala who else). Also had random people at ashram come up and ask me if I am a Krishna devotee even before name being assigned by Swami Swaropananda. Think he chose it cause mine is the only voice ( together with other Radha who also sings with whole heart and body without caring what it sounds like and what other people think) that can be heard during the Srimad Bagavatam chants. I do don't chant, I scream out my devotion :)

Had to take final exam earlier than others since left early morning when exam was supposed to be. Sanskrit was a piece of cake and I passed it easy. Am now proud Sanskrit devotee!!! (don't tell Ba, she'll make me write stuff in Sanskrit to all our Indian relatives to show what a good Indian girl her granddaughter has become). As for the rest of the exam, had to sit opposite Swami Goodlooking (who by the way has amazing smile but also stone face and does not show even the slightest ounce of whether am answering completely wrong or not).
"Ok, we are done" he says
"ok" I  say, waiting for him to tell me whether I passed or not.
"Narajan will take care of what need to be sent to you" he says.
I sit on bench opposite Swami still waiting for result. He is obviously waiting for me to leave.
"So when will I find out if I passed or not" I ask very carefully (can't be too pushy with these Swamis. They are sitting on the divine knowledge)
"You will find out" he answers (me thinking, Is this the divine knowledge that he is sharing with me and am I too blond to understand it?) and then comes his huge smile. It always tends to come when he gives mysterious answers .like that. Which by the by happens alot.

Example.
Student asks during lecture "I know this is not directly related but I was wondering what effects the headstand have on the pancreas (just inventing question here just so you get the jist of it)?
Swami answers "You are right, it is not related" and then he continues with whatever he was talking about. And he always does it with is oh so charming smile that nobody can say anything.

Anyway, back home again.
Happy to see beautiful smiling Mina who threw herself round my throat. Exactly what I needed as I was close to bursting into tears and wanting to get on first plane back. Missing it alot. Missing all of it. Close eyes and see them on dock. Hear their sweet voices singing me off with Tryambakam.

I will meet them again. Sooner than later that's for sure.

As for my future Sadhana. Well we will just see how that goes. I feel inspired, that's for sure. More than inspired. I feel realised (not Brahman realised just Radha realised).

PS. And my meditation will definately progress now. Have no distractions....yet.

We don't get much time off but I tell you this. It won't stop us from taking every minute we can to run down to the beach and throw ourselves into the ocean. It's amazing. Blue green waters, lovely waves, and tepid water.

We have most amazing little Indian man (who amazingly enough is shorter than me) who is so adorable. He has this cute huge belly, which most yogis tend to have. They say the wisdom lies in the belly but the truth is that they do so much bloody breathing exercises that they expand the darn thing and it never quite recuperates. Can relieve you by saying that breathing has not yet had that effect on me as it has only been a month. We will see in ten years. Anyway, back to priest and stop sidetracking (but oh how I love sidetracking). Priest is lovely and he lives in Swamijis house that I clean every day. As he has heard me and Ruth  sing at the top of our lungs whilst cleaning, and knows how much I miss her (am now cleaning alone, singing alone, laughing and crying alone, during day and Ruth alone during night. But make sure to drop by once to pop head in and  sing at least two verses of Govinda Jaya Jaya, Gopala Jaya Jaya). So today he gave me a huge smile when I arrived and started chanting the Maha Mantra (hare Krishna) forme at the top of his lungs. So we chanted together for half an hour while he was cooking and I was washing up. He is sooo cute. My new best friend, after Radha, and my dormgirlies, and Ruth, and Jeffrey....oh who needs lists anyway

Today put both feet behind head and then balanced on arms. Think that I need to be put in mental hospital soon. This cannot be normal.

One week to go. Last Monday off. Next Monday will have to take final exam. This Monday off will be spent studying for exam. Studying on beach of course. Waves are super duper big now. Normally meet  cute yoga guy on beach in morning and go for early morning swim before Pranayama class but today I stood back and watched this gorgeous soul conquer the fierceful ocean. Impressive. Me not as impressive running like a scared chicken from every wave that smashed down infront of feet. Feeling like a wimp on beach. Cute yoga guy obviously far too kind to say to my face that definately am mega whimp.

Staying in an ashram and doing this course also means signing an agreement upon arrival where one promises to sustain from any kind of non ashram like behaviour. This means no smoking, no drinking and total Brahmacharya (basically no sex or any such activity). Luckily for me these were my New Years resolutions exactly. So when cute yoga guy (who also is amazing surfer and skater and has readily offered to rescue me in any water situation including sharkattack (how adorable is not that)) wanders around with his amazing tatoo filled arms I obviously  don't turn my head 180 degrees just to get a peek. And his warm amazing smile doesn't make me smile twice as big...obviously not.

Have now made friends with mosquitos. They agree to only suck bare necessity amount of blood and I agree not to feel the itchiness by using highskill yoga meditation techniques where convinces self that self is not the body and can overcome all with help of mind. Have not yet reached state where self is not mind. But soon.

So goodbye to cold wheather and hello to mosquito country.

Found out that like of food not because of change in own  attitude but change in head chef of kitchen.