Om Shanti

After a month of cleansing my psysical body, my mind, my soul, I have been thrown back into the same chaos that I left. It is now time to cleanse my house. I have taken the whole concept of "clearing out old stuff" to a whole new level I can tell you that. Looks like my pathway to riddng all materialism out of my life might actually happen one day. But not today or any day in the near future. Babysteps. Everything has it's time in space.

Since return have been an emotional rollercoaster. All the energies around are so different from the ashram and it all takes getting used to. Went to lunch with a friend when getting back and almost burst into tears when he asked how I was. Sobbing I responded "I so good, really happy". He looked confused. Don't think he'll be taking any more yogaclasses off me or what do you think?

Yesterday talked to Radha on phone. Missing her so much. I mean this girl made me laugh within two minutes of having her on the phone. Relieved to hear that self is not alone feeling totally lost and emotional in "new" world that has been confronted with. Anyway, Radha's project to do puzzle for a week and avoid human encounters sounds like a plan.

After travelling for over 24 hours I have arrived to a cold freezing and extremely snowy Sweden. No hot sun and sandy beaches to thrive in. No random chanting, apart from the one that I provide for myself, which I do enjoy but it's far less fun when doing it alone. No one but self to force self to do tapas . Did force self  not to buy vanilla milkshake and french fries at airport. Ended up starving as hell and stomach in cramps by time I was served lovely (as if) vegetarian meal on plane. But tapas is tapas (now for those of you thinking of Spanish tapas you are way off. The tapas I'm talking about are austerities and no where near what the Spanish refer to as tapas. Just for future reference). No Radha to make me laugh. No pranayama to make me cry. No late night chattering with amazing dormgirls (who also make me laugh). And no cute yoga guy to disturb my meditationroutine.

Before leaving was assigned spiritual name. And imagine that. Radha!!! Krishnas oh so dear and beloved Radha. So Radha and Radha spent the last days in ashram as true sisters sharing devotion and love for their man (Gopala who else). Also had random people at ashram come up and ask me if I am a Krishna devotee even before name being assigned by Swami Swaropananda. Think he chose it cause mine is the only voice ( together with other Radha who also sings with whole heart and body without caring what it sounds like and what other people think) that can be heard during the Srimad Bagavatam chants. I do don't chant, I scream out my devotion :)

Had to take final exam earlier than others since left early morning when exam was supposed to be. Sanskrit was a piece of cake and I passed it easy. Am now proud Sanskrit devotee!!! (don't tell Ba, she'll make me write stuff in Sanskrit to all our Indian relatives to show what a good Indian girl her granddaughter has become). As for the rest of the exam, had to sit opposite Swami Goodlooking (who by the way has amazing smile but also stone face and does not show even the slightest ounce of whether am answering completely wrong or not).
"Ok, we are done" he says
"ok" I  say, waiting for him to tell me whether I passed or not.
"Narajan will take care of what need to be sent to you" he says.
I sit on bench opposite Swami still waiting for result. He is obviously waiting for me to leave.
"So when will I find out if I passed or not" I ask very carefully (can't be too pushy with these Swamis. They are sitting on the divine knowledge)
"You will find out" he answers (me thinking, Is this the divine knowledge that he is sharing with me and am I too blond to understand it?) and then comes his huge smile. It always tends to come when he gives mysterious answers .like that. Which by the by happens alot.

Example.
Student asks during lecture "I know this is not directly related but I was wondering what effects the headstand have on the pancreas (just inventing question here just so you get the jist of it)?
Swami answers "You are right, it is not related" and then he continues with whatever he was talking about. And he always does it with is oh so charming smile that nobody can say anything.

Anyway, back home again.
Happy to see beautiful smiling Mina who threw herself round my throat. Exactly what I needed as I was close to bursting into tears and wanting to get on first plane back. Missing it alot. Missing all of it. Close eyes and see them on dock. Hear their sweet voices singing me off with Tryambakam.

I will meet them again. Sooner than later that's for sure.

As for my future Sadhana. Well we will just see how that goes. I feel inspired, that's for sure. More than inspired. I feel realised (not Brahman realised just Radha realised).

PS. And my meditation will definately progress now. Have no distractions....yet.

We don't get much time off but I tell you this. It won't stop us from taking every minute we can to run down to the beach and throw ourselves into the ocean. It's amazing. Blue green waters, lovely waves, and tepid water.

We have most amazing little Indian man (who amazingly enough is shorter than me) who is so adorable. He has this cute huge belly, which most yogis tend to have. They say the wisdom lies in the belly but the truth is that they do so much bloody breathing exercises that they expand the darn thing and it never quite recuperates. Can relieve you by saying that breathing has not yet had that effect on me as it has only been a month. We will see in ten years. Anyway, back to priest and stop sidetracking (but oh how I love sidetracking). Priest is lovely and he lives in Swamijis house that I clean every day. As he has heard me and Ruth  sing at the top of our lungs whilst cleaning, and knows how much I miss her (am now cleaning alone, singing alone, laughing and crying alone, during day and Ruth alone during night. But make sure to drop by once to pop head in and  sing at least two verses of Govinda Jaya Jaya, Gopala Jaya Jaya). So today he gave me a huge smile when I arrived and started chanting the Maha Mantra (hare Krishna) forme at the top of his lungs. So we chanted together for half an hour while he was cooking and I was washing up. He is sooo cute. My new best friend, after Radha, and my dormgirlies, and Ruth, and Jeffrey....oh who needs lists anyway

Today put both feet behind head and then balanced on arms. Think that I need to be put in mental hospital soon. This cannot be normal.

One week to go. Last Monday off. Next Monday will have to take final exam. This Monday off will be spent studying for exam. Studying on beach of course. Waves are super duper big now. Normally meet  cute yoga guy on beach in morning and go for early morning swim before Pranayama class but today I stood back and watched this gorgeous soul conquer the fierceful ocean. Impressive. Me not as impressive running like a scared chicken from every wave that smashed down infront of feet. Feeling like a wimp on beach. Cute yoga guy obviously far too kind to say to my face that definately am mega whimp.

Staying in an ashram and doing this course also means signing an agreement upon arrival where one promises to sustain from any kind of non ashram like behaviour. This means no smoking, no drinking and total Brahmacharya (basically no sex or any such activity). Luckily for me these were my New Years resolutions exactly. So when cute yoga guy (who also is amazing surfer and skater and has readily offered to rescue me in any water situation including sharkattack (how adorable is not that)) wanders around with his amazing tatoo filled arms I obviously  don't turn my head 180 degrees just to get a peek. And his warm amazing smile doesn't make me smile twice as big...obviously not.

Have now made friends with mosquitos. They agree to only suck bare necessity amount of blood and I agree not to feel the itchiness by using highskill yoga meditation techniques where convinces self that self is not the body and can overcome all with help of mind. Have not yet reached state where self is not mind. But soon.

So goodbye to cold wheather and hello to mosquito country.

Found out that like of food not because of change in own  attitude but change in head chef of kitchen.

So despite heavy schedule and surviving on five hours sleep (that is when we don't stay up and gossip half the night the four of us which happens pretty frequently and pisses our neighbours in the next door dorm off immensely) things are pretty bloody fantastic.

Living in an ashram basically means being isolated from the outside world in every possible sense. So when the Swami announced last night that there had been a huge disaster, earthquake in Haiti and added that they put out a Tsunami warning on the Bahamas. But that they currently have suspended the warning for the time being.

I felt this morning in Pranayamaclass that something was different. I started feeling that I couldn't get air and felt panic inside. After class, sitting in Satsang, tears starting running down my cheaks, in an orderly and quiet fashion of course. Yoga class followed and everyone was doing Patchimotanasana, the forward bend. To most it is a fairly simple pose and for most can be held without really feeling any real discomfort. This position is my greatest enemy. I can easily get down into it but holding it for a lengthy period of time is agony. The teacher helps me come down further and I am now lying with my face buried in between my knees grasping for air, panicking, feeling anguish. "This is a position of surrender" she says.

It's funny how one can go through life convincing not only others that you're happy and strong and that you don't really need anyone but yourself, to the point where you actually believe it yourself.

I surrendered. I burst out crying and tried my best to do it in, as I said above, an orderly and quiet fashion. Not possible. I had to run out of the class, tears pouring out from every possible exit place and I totally surrendered to all my feelings that have been blocked, pushed down, hidden and not talked about. It wasn't crying. It was screaming it all out in tears. It has left me cleansed but feeling a bit vulnerable still. In a good way. It's the beginning of something new.

This is the beauty of the course. It's a psysical, emotional, psychological and spiritual detox and the outcome already feels amazing.

When doing the TTC the thing that worried me the most was only getting two meals a day. It turned out to be more than enough and I even think that I put on weight during the course. What worried me with this course was milnly the really early mornings and the one hour pranayama (breathing exercises) that we have to do. It turns out that this too is quite alright. The pranayama gives us so much energy for the rest of the day that there is no real need to sleep more than 5 hours a night. It is amazing what proper breathing can do. Anyway, thought now that I have a day off (we get one day off a week, Mondays, meaning form 12 til 8 p.m., the morning classes and evening Satsang are still mandatory) I'd giev you a general picture of life here in the ashram in the lovely Bahamas.

Wheather
Still bloody freezing. Last week went to buy socks. Woman behind the counter looked at me as if I spoke Chinese. "Socks? What you talking about dear" she answers with her Bahamian accent. Apparently this is the coldest whether they have had in over a decade. So cold that they even have to rescue the alligators because it is too cold for them. So the word socks doesn't really exist in this Caribbean part of the world where the wheather is supposed to be pleasnt all year round. As if!!! Have to put on layers of clothes here too. At least before going to India I was warned that it could be chilly (obvisouly thought they were exaggerating and obviously had never been to Sweden where the real cold exists. Ha, being too cocky is dangerous). So that concludes this part of it Bahamas 1 India 1.

Friends
Different people bring out different sides of you. Valentina (spiritual name Radha)comes from Venezuela. We hit it off from day one. And we are without doubt the giggliest pair of fourteenyearsolds you can find. I can't stop laughing around her and seem to do the same to her. Remember in school where you could laugh for hours about nothing, just looking at each other. Well that's where I am. So we have now created rules. We can not sit next to eachother in temple. Temple is time to contemplate, not laugh about our contemplations. But they say that laughing is the best yoga (or do they? Whatever). Conclusion. No need for alcohol anymore. Just bring Valentina with me all the time.

Cute boys
Contemplating self. Not relationships. Will not engage in such activity no more. It is not sattvic and only causes pain and suffering. From now on am working on detachment from self and especially men. PS. Am definately not secretly fantasising about gorgeous yoga guy who looks like a god in the Scorpion. I am devoted to my practice, nothing else.

Food
Without being to harsh and hard on the kitchen people who work hard at the brunch and dinner buffe, it tends to all taste the same after a while. I've bought chilipowder but when sneakily applying chili to my food I think back of the good old times where me and Nishad would sneak out to the market and buy fresh chilies. Miss Nishad, my favorite red Indian in the world :) The positives are that there is creamcheese and freshly baked bread, which definately is a luxury (and peanutbutter and jam for the Americans of course but not my thing really). So I indulge in creamcheese. They lack the lovely chai that they served us in India though. Hmmm. Think there might just be enough elements there for a tie between India and the Bahamas. Oh, almost forgot. Of course have non sattvic stash of crisps hidden under bed....and M&Ms for special occasions.

Smoking
Don't miss it at all!!! But found a "smoking" friend, a guy from Canada. We just found eachother when talking about smoking and realised that we have had similar smoking paths in our lives. It's amazing, I might not miss it but talking about smoking is like talking about an old friend and we both sit with smiles on our faces when we do. Sad! I know. And I can hear Per huffing and puffing when reading this thinking how ridiculous this sounds. But that's the life of a smoker, rather pathetic and absolutly fantasticly wonderful :) But proud to say that haven't smoked for now 10 days!!! Am true yogi! (well, that can be discussed but whatever).

Beach
Beach is beautiful but view is destroyed by horrible fivestar Atlantis that seems to be the ashrams yogavacationers favorite hideaway (they talk about Starbucks and spaas and other such things. Me not interested. Although have heard about their amazing waterslides and feeling tempted on next day off).

Special celebrations at ashram
So yesterday was big day at ashram. After satsang Swami Goodlooking (Brahmananda) gets up and looks like a child at Christmas. Has a huge grun on his face and then announces the birthday of one of the yogis. In comes a huge chocolatecake (could you expect anything else?) and everyone starts singing "Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear blabla, Happy birthday to you". Hang on. Then comes the lovely second verse. May you realise the Self, May you realise the Self. May you realise the Self in this very birth". Then hundred yogapeople hovered over chocolate cake. Also, same cake served for breakfast. Many strange looks when explain that don't like cake and prefer to just eat my lentil soup and creamcheese.

Satsang
I love satsang. I love the singing. Can't believe that I thought it was so boring when younger. Must now be fully mature or something (ha, as if). They also have lost of instruments that we can play if we want so have started off gently with maracas and triangle. I say gently although I must say that 25 minuted of playing the maracas during Jaya Ganesha did worse stuff to the muscles in my arms than standing in the bloody Scorpion does. Some night guest lecturers come and talk. Some amazing. Yesterday Leslie something (I'd love to namedrop him as he is apparently very famous but me and names and don't really care. Am not identifying with self remember) talked about life and the life after death. Tonight he is going to talk again. Apparently going to teach us ("it's a piece of cake" as he himself out it) how to see people who have died threedimensionally and communicate with them. Am very excited!!!

The animal Kingdom
Standing in the bathroom the other morning and huge lizard decides that my head would be a nice place to sit. Normally we have beel to wake up people. I took it as my personal responsibility to wake everyone up with my screaming. Highly appreciated :)
Also have done washing up in beehive without beehive protectionuniform (do not know name but it pretty much paints the picture) as part of karmayoga. Have to clean kitchen in Swamijees house as part of karmayoga and when arriving the other morning, hundreds of wasps had decided to reside in the kitchen. But duty must be done and if dishes aren't washed I will be sent to yogahell. So me  did duty without getting stung. Face your fears!!! I am Superwasp woman!

Classes
It's a tough schedule and beats the TTC with lengths. There is no time for much else at all. We have two yoga classes a day, an hour of pranayama, an hour of Karmayoga, Anatomy class, then Sanskrit Class with is alternated with Rajayoga class and finally Vedanta philosophy class. Satsang two hours in the morning and two hours at night. You get the picture. And on top of that two separate written assignments to hand in everyday. And I'm still alive!!! And love it! The best of all (which I didn't know prior to coming) is that before the month is over we are supposed to be able to both read and write sanskrit. Can you believe that? I can't. But slowly getting there. Can now at least write 6 letters.

Feels like I haven't even touched upon the important things so will do that now

Love Love Love

and nothing else matters

My knees are hurting.