Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about dancing in the rain
In the 1920s, Ernest Hemingway was struggling to make his mark as an author when disaster struck. He lost a suitcase containing all his manuscripts - many stories he'd polished to jewel-like perfection - which he'd been planning to publish in a book.
The devastated Hemingway couldn't conceive of redoing his work. All those months of arduous writing were simply wasted.
He lamented his predicament to friend and poet Ezra Pound who called it a stroke of good fortune! Pound assured Hemingway that when he rewrote the stories, he would forget the weak parts; only the best material would reappear. He encouraged the aspiring author to start over with a sense of optimism and confidence. Hemingway did rewrite the stories and eventually became a major figure in American literature.
"Don't pray for fewer problems; pray for more skills. Don't ask for smaller challenges; ask for greater wisdom. Don't look for an easy way out; look for the best possible outcome.
When life gives you a kick, let it kick you forward."
Cleansing ritual continues
After a month of cleansing my psysical body, my mind, my soul, I have been thrown back into the same chaos that I left. It is now time to cleanse my house. I have taken the whole concept of "clearing out old stuff" to a whole new level I can tell you that. Looks like my pathway to riddng all materialism out of my life might actually happen one day. But not today or any day in the near future. Babysteps. Everything has it's time in space.
Since return have been an emotional rollercoaster. All the energies around are so different from the ashram and it all takes getting used to. Went to lunch with a friend when getting back and almost burst into tears when he asked how I was. Sobbing I responded "I so good, really happy". He looked confused. Don't think he'll be taking any more yogaclasses off me or what do you think?
Yesterday talked to Radha on phone. Missing her so much. I mean this girl made me laugh within two minutes of having her on the phone. Relieved to hear that self is not alone feeling totally lost and emotional in "new" world that has been confronted with. Anyway, Radha's project to do puzzle for a week and avoid human encounters sounds like a plan.
Before and after the yoga course
Hanging by beach in ashram
Home sweet home
After travelling for over 24 hours I have arrived to a cold freezing and extremely snowy Sweden. No hot sun and sandy beaches to thrive in. No random chanting, apart from the one that I provide for myself, which I do enjoy but it's far less fun when doing it alone. No one but self to force self to do tapas . Did force self not to buy vanilla milkshake and french fries at airport. Ended up starving as hell and stomach in cramps by time I was served lovely (as if) vegetarian meal on plane. But tapas is tapas (now for those of you thinking of Spanish tapas you are way off. The tapas I'm talking about are austerities and no where near what the Spanish refer to as tapas. Just for future reference). No Radha to make me laugh. No pranayama to make me cry. No late night chattering with amazing dormgirls (who also make me laugh). And no cute yoga guy to disturb my meditationroutine.
Before leaving was assigned spiritual name. And imagine that. Radha!!! Krishnas oh so dear and beloved Radha. So Radha and Radha spent the last days in ashram as true sisters sharing devotion and love for their man (Gopala who else). Also had random people at ashram come up and ask me if I am a Krishna devotee even before name being assigned by Swami Swaropananda. Think he chose it cause mine is the only voice ( together with other Radha who also sings with whole heart and body without caring what it sounds like and what other people think) that can be heard during the Srimad Bagavatam chants. I do don't chant, I scream out my devotion :)
Had to take final exam earlier than others since left early morning when exam was supposed to be. Sanskrit was a piece of cake and I passed it easy. Am now proud Sanskrit devotee!!! (don't tell Ba, she'll make me write stuff in Sanskrit to all our Indian relatives to show what a good Indian girl her granddaughter has become). As for the rest of the exam, had to sit opposite Swami Goodlooking (who by the way has amazing smile but also stone face and does not show even the slightest ounce of whether am answering completely wrong or not).
"Ok, we are done" he says
"ok" I say, waiting for him to tell me whether I passed or not.
"Narajan will take care of what need to be sent to you" he says.
I sit on bench opposite Swami still waiting for result. He is obviously waiting for me to leave.
"So when will I find out if I passed or not" I ask very carefully (can't be too pushy with these Swamis. They are sitting on the divine knowledge)
"You will find out" he answers (me thinking, Is this the divine knowledge that he is sharing with me and am I too blond to understand it?) and then comes his huge smile. It always tends to come when he gives mysterious answers .like that. Which by the by happens alot.
Example.
Student asks during lecture "I know this is not directly related but I was wondering what effects the headstand have on the pancreas (just inventing question here just so you get the jist of it)?
Swami answers "You are right, it is not related" and then he continues with whatever he was talking about. And he always does it with is oh so charming smile that nobody can say anything.
Anyway, back home again.
Happy to see beautiful smiling Mina who threw herself round my throat. Exactly what I needed as I was close to bursting into tears and wanting to get on first plane back. Missing it alot. Missing all of it. Close eyes and see them on dock. Hear their sweet voices singing me off with Tryambakam.
I will meet them again. Sooner than later that's for sure.
As for my future Sadhana. Well we will just see how that goes. I feel inspired, that's for sure. More than inspired. I feel realised (not Brahman realised just Radha realised).
PS. And my meditation will definately progress now. Have no distractions....yet.
Beach Frenzie
We don't get much time off but I tell you this. It won't stop us from taking every minute we can to run down to the beach and throw ourselves into the ocean. It's amazing. Blue green waters, lovely waves, and tepid water.
No swimming date this morning but threw self into water at 4 in the morning anyway. The best way to wake up ever. For some reason the water was a bit chilly this morning (probably round 20 degrees so not complaining) but it brought a smile to my face just the same. Although did manage to fall asleep in Satsang two hours later. Do not think that this was because of bad start to morning. No some American man who has lived and travelled in india for many years and knows Sanskrit and has written a million books and translated the Baghavad Gita bla bla bla bla (his ego is bigger than any ego I have ever seen and yet he calls himself a yogi) is doing the Bhagavatam Sapta. Stories about Krishna. the same one I did in india two years ago that was so amazing. Was so excited about doing it again. That was before he started talking. Storytelling was turned into boring lecturing and reading paragraphs after paragraphs from his books. Felt guilty about being so negative towards this man who despite all is extremely knowledgable... but after discussing subject of lack of passion for the beautiful stories of Krishna with wonderful priest and new friend and where he said "Welll you know Shantu, these westerners don't always understand the way we Indians do" wobbling his head from side to side and smiling, I don't feel guilty. he sucks. But the good side of it was that I got a whole extra hour of sleep today. Yay. There is always something positive in everything.
Ok, off to boring Satsang again.
Me and Radha and Ganesha laughing
Me and Radha
New friend
We have most amazing little Indian man (who amazingly enough is shorter than me) who is so adorable. He has this cute huge belly, which most yogis tend to have. They say the wisdom lies in the belly but the truth is that they do so much bloody breathing exercises that they expand the darn thing and it never quite recuperates. Can relieve you by saying that breathing has not yet had that effect on me as it has only been a month. We will see in ten years. Anyway, back to priest and stop sidetracking (but oh how I love sidetracking). Priest is lovely and he lives in Swamijis house that I clean every day. As he has heard me and Ruth sing at the top of our lungs whilst cleaning, and knows how much I miss her (am now cleaning alone, singing alone, laughing and crying alone, during day and Ruth alone during night. But make sure to drop by once to pop head in and sing at least two verses of Govinda Jaya Jaya, Gopala Jaya Jaya). So today he gave me a huge smile when I arrived and started chanting the Maha Mantra (hare Krishna) forme at the top of his lungs. So we chanted together for half an hour while he was cooking and I was washing up. He is sooo cute. My new best friend, after Radha, and my dormgirlies, and Ruth, and Jeffrey....oh who needs lists anyway
PS. Priest can also do amazing scorpion but does not come close to looking like cute yoga guy. And for all of you fantasising about him, all I can say is, I'm glad some of us are cause I still am not.
Yoga flexibility
Today put both feet behind head and then balanced on arms. Think that I need to be put in mental hospital soon. This cannot be normal.
Short break
One week to go. Last Monday off. Next Monday will have to take final exam. This Monday off will be spent studying for exam. Studying on beach of course. Waves are super duper big now. Normally meet cute yoga guy on beach in morning and go for early morning swim before Pranayama class but today I stood back and watched this gorgeous soul conquer the fierceful ocean. Impressive. Me not as impressive running like a scared chicken from every wave that smashed down infront of feet. Feeling like a wimp on beach. Cute yoga guy obviously far too kind to say to my face that definately am mega whimp.
Radha asked me questions after reading my blog. Wondering why I hadn't told her about cute yoga guy. Obviously had not crossed mind that people might actually be reading this darn thing. So must add. Don't pay attention to anything I say. Most of it is bullocks and I am absolutely not fantasising about any cute yoga guy.
PS. Most fantastic yoga lesson ever this morning. Cute yoga guy best yoga teacher ever. :)
Cute yoga guy
Staying in an ashram and doing this course also means signing an agreement upon arrival where one promises to sustain from any kind of non ashram like behaviour. This means no smoking, no drinking and total Brahmacharya (basically no sex or any such activity). Luckily for me these were my New Years resolutions exactly. So when cute yoga guy (who also is amazing surfer and skater and has readily offered to rescue me in any water situation including sharkattack (how adorable is not that)) wanders around with his amazing tatoo filled arms I obviously don't turn my head 180 degrees just to get a peek. And his warm amazing smile doesn't make me smile twice as big...obviously not.
So the update as requested.
Yes we are on first name basis.
And no I am still not secretly fantasising about him (and I do not suspect that he suspects that that might be the case and I do not suspect that he secretly might not be fantasising about certain self either and that he suspects that self suspects the same).
PS. Tomorrow getting private yoga lesson from cute yoga guy :)
Who cares about moqsuitos
Have now made friends with mosquitos. They agree to only suck bare necessity amount of blood and I agree not to feel the itchiness by using highskill yoga meditation techniques where convinces self that self is not the body and can overcome all with help of mind. Have not yet reached state where self is not mind. But soon.
Mosquitos are back
So goodbye to cold wheather and hello to mosquito country.
Am now half eaten by moquitos and itching like crazy. Funny how has soon as one obstacle or misery in your life disappears, it is immediately replaced with a new one (why I am here, learning how to replace all miseries and obstacles with pure infinite bliss. I mean how hard can that really be. If I don't feel infinite bliss when going back home I'm asking for a full refund...:). Anyway, sidetracking a bit. Back to obstacles.
So first obstacle for meditation is of course knees that are not used to be crossed that many hours a day. Knees are now fine. Then hips start aching. Bend legs back and forth to finally manage to get both behind head and hipache disappears. Then comes cramps in feet after an hour of sitting in meditation pose. Still struggling with that and have to stretch legs every once in a while but getting better. Will come home and suggest to local courthouse that we have courtsessions sitting on floor with crosslegs. Maybe start by chanting to get everyone in good mood? Maybe not. Anyway, after sitting position comes the bloody thoughts that now are really bad. I mean I kind of managed calming them down but the last two days I actually think that my mind has been possessed and have no longer any control over it. I loose my keys ten times a day. I put my books down, turn around and walk away completely forgetting about them. I can barely remember my name (and will maybe be getting spiritual name at end of course which will make things even more complicated). I am just not functioning at all. (apparently this is normal for week three into the course and week four is supposedly called the week of bliss. I'll believe that when I see it. So you can imagine what meditation goes like. And then after the trillion thought waves that apparently are very obstinate, because the more you tell them not to think the more they are inclined to do so (think I might try the reverse tomorrow. Tricking this being who has possessed my brain). And now mosquitobites, that are killing me. Can't concentrbate, just want to scratch. Start scratching. Want to scratch more. Starts hurting. Still want to scratch more. Starts bleeding. Think that maybe better to stop scratching but only because of pouring blood. Still want to scratch.
But the beach is heaven and it's worth all the mosquitos in the world....or maybe not.
"
Anyone seen a cliff anywhere?
Found out that like of food not because of change in own attitude but change in head chef of kitchen.
Am now freakishly strong and bendy and wondering what two more weeks of this is going to do to me. Probably going to get physical withdrawal syndromes when back home.
Comparing the TTC to the ATTC I must s ay that this is a whole new league. I mean, the TTC was like primary school compared to this which is definitely some kind of super extra hard university level. I don't get it. I mean the philosophy part of it seemed simple at first but now so confused with the hundred different terms and subcategories and philosophy schools bla bla bla that want to jump off cliff....only there are no cliffs nor hills here...only flat sandy beaches (with the softest sand ever). And sanskrit that I cockily walked around thinking would be a piece of cake as I knew all the letters, suddenly turned out to be the language full of exceptions from the bloody rule. And anatomy. There was a reason I didn't want to become a bloody doctor and here I am studying bloody functions of the brain and neurons, cells, dendrites, synapses and what not. Yes, I am in studying hell right now.
Good news. Have found guitar that kind soul left behind so play guitar to relieve stress (what do you mean why don't I study instead?).
Girls dorm has turned into worst chatterbox dorm ever. Stomach hurting from last night laughter of fits from conversation of ashrams most forbidden topic...sex (gorgeous yoga guy is also musicien and has tatoo of skull on body....me definitely not in trouble....Me still not secretly fantasising about gorgeous yoga guy...not...not...not